Summer Movie Preview: June

It seems June is already upon us, and with that comes more awful movies. Last night, I was dragged to see Splice with a few friends. When I watched the previews for Splice, I thought "That is precisely the kind of movie I would never want to see". But I saw it? How? I will never know. Suffice to say, it has one of the weirdest scenes I have ever seen in a movie. And it involves Adrian Brody and carnal activity, so you might need a doggy bag while watching it. That's all I'm saying, ON TO THE MOVIES!


Marmaduke

This movie existing is proof that there is an evil, nefarious being known as Satan who is plotting our demise. You thought that he would do it through war, or plague, or widespread debauchery, but in secret he is plotting it through Marmaduke. How many poorly animated CGI dogs must studios perpetrate upon the American public? When I saw the trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua a couple of years ago, I thought it was the equivalent of movie anthrax, but Marmaduke skips the whole slowly dying of a virus part and opts for scorched earth tactics. HA HA FARTING ANIMALS! PEEING ANIMALS! ANIMALS ON SURFBOARDS AND HUMAN TRANSPORTATION! Get it? It's funny because animals do gross bodily functions at inappropriate times! It's also funny because dogs don't get on surfboards, and the absurdity is AWESOME! Also, I am mandating that Owen Wilson should only be in Wes Anderson movies. When I watch him in non-Wes Anderson movies, he becomes the cinematic equivalent of an Afghan blanket on a 90 degree night. That is, HE IS COMPLETELY UNBEARABLE. Enough.

The A-Team

I know what you're thinking. "Heh-heh. I'm seeing this movie no question. It's based on the EFFING A-TEAM. That show was awesome, c'mon, it had MR. T in it! And Murdoch!" SHUTUP. I never found The A-Team entertaining in the least. In fact, I have never found any hour-long action show from the 70's entertaining. There seems to be some unspoken rule amongst people that The A-Team is one of those shows that EVERYONE likes because of its kitsch value. Everyone knows the show sucks, but they like it anyway and find it cool. I watched an episode of The A-Team once, and thought "Hey, I could have cut the lawn. Or cleaned the shower. Or eaten leftover Hamburger Helper from last week, because all of these things are more interesting than this show" Now you're gonna say "PIXELATEDCYNIC, YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG! I USED TO WATCH THAT SHOW WITH MY UNCLE!" To which I say, your Uncle is a lazy man that should have brought you to get ice cream. Wow, I am rambling. As for the actual movie, I will PASS PASS PASS on it. Which brings me to another rant. Why is Liam Neeson settling for sub-par action movies these days? He used to be a respectable actor being in movies like Schindler's List and Les Miserables. Now he's in Taken (which was ok, but not Liam Neeson Material), Clash of the Titans, and The A-Team. It makes me sad when I see once-great actors settle for this stuff. Also, this movie stars the guy I found to be an absolute A-HOLE in The Hangover. You know, the guy that was always telling people to calm down because he's been in wacky situations before so he knows what to do? You know, the guy who you wanted to hit the whole movie? DONE.

Get Him to the Greek

I love Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Superbad, Knocked Up, Pineapple Express and basically anything that Judd Apatow has produced. Suffice to say then I will enjoy this movie. The combination of Jonah Hill and Russel Brand spells comic gold to me. Now someone PLEASE TELL ME WHY I PASSED ON THIS MOVIE LAST NIGHT TO SEE "SPLICE"? 

The Karate Kid

NO. 

Jonah Hex

I like Westerns. I like supernatural fiction. I like graphic novels. Jonah Hex, in its original form, is a combination of all of these. I am really on the fence about this movie. It has a really interesting plot and main character, but I have become the battered wife who has had enough to comic-based movies lately. That is, I have had enough long, miserable nights at the movie theater with the likes of Xmen Origins: Wolverine, The Fantastic Four, Spiderman 2, 3, and Iron Man. Comic-book movies are where I am most cynical. I hate 98% of them. Because of this, I am not getting my hopes up for this movie at all.

Grown Ups

If you see this movie, you are a fool. I can just imagine what the studio execs said when they pitched this idea. "HEY GUYS. CHRIS ROCK, ADAM SANDLER, DAVID SPADE, KEVIN JAMES, AND ROB SCHNEIDER ARE FUNNY (sic). IF WE COMBINE THEM ALL IN A WACKY MOVIE ABOUT HOW ADULTHOOD SUCKS, PEOPLE WILL LOVE IT! WHO'S WITH ME?"

I've had it! Why do studios continue to mix comics who all have different styles of humor? Chris Rock's style of humor is in no way like Adam Sandler's. Kevin James style of humor is based around him looking beaten and worn down when people make fun of his weight (read: he's not funny). David Spade's style of humor involves him being snarky and annoying. Rob Schneider is a genetic experiment gone wrong that should never have seen the light of day. And yet you all are going to see this movie, and it will make a ton of money. WHY?!

Toy Story 3

Pixar movies are the heroes that save the day during the summer. Here's the scenario: You're on a battlefield, and all of your fellow soldiers have been killed off or injured. Your surrounded by The Prince of Persia, Marmaduke, Shrek 4, Splice, Grown Ups, and The A-Team, all pointing rifles at you. Suddenly, Toy Story 3 bursts upon the scene and takes them all out, ninja style, with nothing other than it's fists. You've suffered through a lot this summer, but the Pixar movie redeemed it all. That is how Toy Story 3 will be. Anyone that does not like the Toy Story movies is probably either the Devil or a lifeform from another planet where happiness is not an emotion. I cannot wait to see this movie.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I can't take this anymore! Leave your dumb comments telling me how much my opinion sucks below.